The Case of the Bad Audition or Interview

Dear Recruiters and Professionals who may have met me, I may not always have been up to speed in my interviews. If this is the case, you probably will not see this message as you will no longer be investigating my background. However, I'm happy to say that at least I've had some good interviews. Additionally, for the kind current recruiter who is doing an internet background check on me, hello!

The case of the bad interview - it happens. Sometimes it can be absolutely abysmal or dreadful and leaving one wishing he or she had a different brain to respond to the question.

In regards to auditions, I believe I've had my fair share of bad auditions as well - you can tell as I'm still a nameless face in the acting world (that and I'm relatively new and that could very well be the case for people who have been acting for years). One such audition called for me to yell at a little girl in Chinese. Her response was to laugh and smile at me the whole time. In turn, I felt rather ridiculous and later trudged back home in my suit...in the snow.

Today I contemplated not even attending an audition because I felt my improv skills simply weren't good enough and that it'd be a waste of time. But, I attended anyway and was pleasantly surprised with myself. As time wore on, I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be. I mean - I did perform in Seoul with my improv troupe, but I was never by any means a star and, more likely than not, wasn't always satisfied with my performances. Of course, with this audition, I did not give the most amazing performance out of the twenty or so present and didn't make it into the selected crew, but I'm glad that I surpassed my own expectations. Small steps, right? Perhaps there is hope yet for this young woman. I know I'm a funny girl in general - I just have to translate that to the stage.

So, my dear recruiter, interviewer (I actually saw one in passing at the Korean barbecue place I was at earlier today!), friend, or random internet reader, I will take pride in the fact there is still a next time. I'm still highly intelligent, hard-working and funny regardless of how tongue-twisted I may have been. So I will continue to improve!

Apartment and Job Hunting in LA!

Just so all of you are updated, this is what I'm currently doing with my life. It's slightly stressful, but at least I can drive now, as opposed to back in college when I didn't have a car around here.

Cheers to being a successful professional and officially grounded in Los Angeles and also acting!

Shoulda Woulda Coulda: Not Living with Regrets

When I was a teacher in Korea, I entitled one of my lesson plans "Shoulda Woulda Coulda." It's a bad habit of mine (and for what I presume many other people) to look back and wonder how I may have done things differently in my life.

This past Saturday, I found myself walking the Hollywood Walk of Fame, all on my own, on one rather deserted part of Hollywood Boulevard. Many of the names I barely recognized, but represented people who were once famous in the realm of Hollywood decades upon decades ago.

Of course, I know this one, though!

It's odd where life has taken me. Certainly with life lived and time passed, there are some things I wish I could change - maybe a different course of study or attitude. I've recently thought about recalculating my entire life strategy.

After going in to an audition where I absent-mindedly forgot any sort of confident composure technique and probably very likely exuded the lost, timid Asian girl aura, I was walking back to where I had parked. On the way, I passed by a theater. Its show had a curious title - "Don't Let 2 Much Time Go By - This Isn't a Dress Rehearsal." A strange reminder - and one I've actually heard echoed before by an older acting classmate of mine.

It is very true that this is the only life we have and the best thing we can do is live it - and live it without regrets. We've got to make the most of it. While the world didn't end yesterday as an elderly pastor so predicted, we can't act like it won't end one day for us. Cheers to life!

Acting Is My Long Lost Love

The following statement was first written for my acting class back in October.

      For a good part of my early childhood, I was painfully shy. I was even bullied a bit in sixth grade and had no idea how to stand up for myself as I'd get pushed for no reason. When I was in seventh grade, I had joined drama class as my second elective. We had to do our own monologues. I went up to the front of the class and mimicked my teacher yelling at me back in second grade – which is what I pinpointed as the reason for me becoming shy. Afterwards one of my classmates threw me a look and reassured me that I definitely was not shy. It was a great experience that I got the lead role in our school play and that even my arch rival and former friend thought I was good. I am not as much of a shy person any more – but that is still the first impression I give to people I am not familiar with. I hate it when people have the idea that I am some shy, timid, and reserved little Asian girl – because that is what they see when they don’t know me. I am instantly typecast. Acting is a talent which people would never assume I have. When I get on stage, I have the chance to erase that image and let people know that there is more to what they see. This ability to redefine my image, as well as unleashing the unseen side of me, is one of the main reasons I love acting.

       Sad to say, I repressed my longing desire to act through the rest of my adolescence. I followed my mother’s wishes or my own stupidity to spend my time playing the violin, which I detested. I auditioned for the school play once in high school, but was discouraged after not getting a role. My acting exposure was thus limited to speech competitions in the National Forensics League. Nonetheless, I always envied the kids in drama and watched our school plays while wishing I could be up there as well. I have no other explanation for why I did not join drama again other than I was not a strong enough individual to make my own decisions at the time. After repressing something that I had a deep longing to do for so long, I have the strong passion to make up for all the time that I have lost. Acting is my release and it is my long lost love.

       To put it simply, I love attention. I love having everyone’s eyes on me, being in the spotlight. I want to be able to surprise people. I want to break that kind, gentle façade of me down. I don’t mind late and long rehearsals. Even if I don’t have friends to come see me perform and I cry about it, I will still be happy if I was able to act for anyone. I find freedom on the stage. The voice within me which may not normally come out gets its chance to shine.

       Last week, I went to see a modern-day production of Iphigenia put on by the African American Shakespeare Company at the Brava Theatre in the Mission. From the looks of it, I could tell that none of the actors made much money with that performance. Yet, I sat in the audience with tears in my eyes because I knew how much of a struggle and how much passion they must have had to be up there anyway. There would not be much glory won from that half-empty theater. All the same, I too wished that I could also be up on that stage. The fame and glory, which many actors may never see in their lifetime, is not as important as following one’s passion and not letting go of something one loves. This is not to say that I am wholly devoid of a faint desire for fame and glory as I do love attention – but I really admire those who have a strong enough passion to keep doing something they love.  

       My current mission is just to get myself out there. I know I have a lot to work on and learn, in terms of my craft. I want to be seen, I want to be free, and I want to really be an actress. I don’t want to be the timid, shy girl who has no voice.

Asian American Visionaries

"Damn gooks." 
"Asian bitches." 
"Ching chong Asian take-out." 

These three phrases have all been muttered or said to me as a stranger passed by either on the street or in a shopping mall. Each time, I was simply standing or walking, minding my own business, either with a friend or my mom. The first slur occurred in my hometown San Francisco and the last two occurred both within the past year. One thing is clear - people still see me as an Asian person who needs to have nonsensical and sometimes hateful words thrown at her for no reason other than that I appear Asian.

Coming to terms with my cultural identity was an evolving process, which only solidified in recent years. A large majority of my school peers in SF were the same race as I was. Having "Asian" people around was normal - I was "Asian." I went to Lowell High School, which had a point system for its admissions. At that time, affirmative action was in place as Chinese kids had to score higher to get in since there were already so many Chinese kids enrolled. I was just one in a whole pack. 

While I was a sophomore at UCLA, I joined the Asian Pacific Coalition (APC) as an intern. APC is the umbrella organization for all of the Asian/Pacific Islander (API) organizations on campus and acts as the voice of the community. The next year, I became the APC liaison for the Association of Chinese Americans (ACA), a rather difficult job as not everyone in ACA was interested in APC. Nonetheless, both ACA and APC emphasized the bi-cultural experience that we Chinese/Asian Americans faced. It was with APC that I first consciously heard about the case of Vincent Chin, the Chinese American beaten to death with a baseball bat for racial reasons and whose murderers literally walked free. We stressed the idea for a need of a strong community to prevent such outrageous things from hitting us again. While I sometimes found I didn't identify with every issue that APC fought for, I would later take away some important messages after my two-year stint in Asia following graduation.

It's a bit funny that my sense of being "American" really hit full force while I lived in Asia. I looked "Asian" but I really felt so far from it. The Koreans in Korea were definitely separate from Korean Americans and the Chinese in China weren't the same "Chinese" people who had surrounded me all my life. I never introduced myself as being Chinese while in Korea, because I simply was not the Chinese person from Beijing they would think of. I was American. In China, the average Chinese person would still scoff at me in disbelief when I said I was American, but it's true I did not grow up with the same language, social pressures, and cultural nuances, save perhaps a few values, that these people did.

But back in America, I have to go back to being "Asian" or at best Asian American - because that is what others see. Not everyone has lived or traveled to the "Far East" to see how we're really not the same breed.

I was reminded on Twitter last week that it is Asian Pacific American Heritage Month and brought to the attention that there is a "Visionaries" conference being held on the evening of May 26 in New York, at the Grand Ballroom, at Webster Hall - somewhere I'm not personally familiar with, but perhaps my few readers in NY may be able to attend. The speakers, Suchin Pak and Teddy Zee, are described as Asian American pioneers who have words of wisdom to impart to those who want to follow in their footsteps. Alternatively, there's also a Verizon contest for aspiring Asian American visionaries (apparently only those permanently living in the Northeast US, so excluding California me) to submit videos with their ideas, with a prize of $5000 going towards this idea. The deadline is next week.

In retrospect, I really am glad for the Asian Americans who have fought to carry a voice for the community and proud of the ones who have become leaders in some shape or form. Asian Americans have their own set of challenges - trying to come to terms with differing cultural values or feeling like we really belong in a certain place. And every now and then, to this very day, our community (or I on an individual level) suffers some sort of backlash just for the way we look. One can only imagine the sort of trials the true pioneers had to face or the comments that were or are still uttered. So, regardless of who you are, let's all keep fighting and working on our visions...and embracing our identities.

Stills from "Bipolar Express"

Back in October, I worked on a student film at Ex'pression College. It's the first date scenario for two people who have been chatting online - knowing each other only as their screennames, "Thug" and "Vixen."

I've only recently seen the finished product. If you'd like to see it, I'll give you the link! I wouldn't hail it as my best acting and see the areas of improvement needed - but hey, we shot this in about two days without prior rehearsal.

A few stills:

There's my handsome date! All in all the date does not go well. :o!