Inspiration for your life

Your dream is something that they'd have to kill you to stop you from doing.

On Sunday, I audited a class with the Meisner Technique Studio in San Francisco. For perhaps silly and regretful reasons, I didn't commit to the current term - yet I walked away with some deep thoughts about what is it that I really want to do with my life.

The teacher, Mr. Jarrett, is undoubtedly a man of passion. I had sat next to a boy who had hiked himself all the way from South Dakota just to be in the class. Another boy from Washington was there, who had come after seeing Jim's passionate videos.

As an intro to his students, Jim echoed some words from his great teacher Sandy Meisner. I must admit I began to tear up as the words hit home. He addressed us saying congratulations - we were doing something that less than 1% of all people have the courage to do - which is to follow your dreams. Many people just settle for a life of mediocrity and don't follow these dreams - and are just crushed by everyday life to their deathbeds. And when it came to acting, if you failed, you could go back to Iowa or wherever it was you came from and take comfort in the fact that you tried and it wasn't your dream - because if it was your dream, they'd have to kill you to stop you from doing it. But after finding that it wasn't your dream, you now had the freedom to really figure out what you actually were meant to do on this world.

The words hit me as I wondered - do I have the courage and is this really my dream? Was I here on this world for this purpose? What is something that they'd have to kill me before I would stop doing?

I don't need anyone else to tell me I can't make it in a particular field. I once was told, and not in a condescending way, that I was too frail to be an actress. The only person who can answer this truthfully is myself. My hardest critic is myself. But I, my own hardest critic, am the only one who can be in charge of following my dreams - whatever solid dream that may be. There is no one to force me to follow that path, no lover to persuade me, no parent to stop me. There will be obstacles which will attempt to thwart me, trip me up so I fall on my face - but it will still be up to me if I want to turn around or keep going. I suppose whenever I see someone up on stage or on the screen, I will wish that I could be there. But is my wish my dream?

I'd like to thank the Academy.

When I was in high school, I was a member of our Forensics team. I competed in Original Prose and Poetry, better known as OPP. One of the absolute worst pieces I had authored was a speech on how I finally won the Academy Award. I mean, out of all the pieces I had written and presented, it tanked the most badly (the others, at least, had some degree of success). I cringe at the mere memory.

I suppose it is a far and lofty dream of mine to become the first Asian American actress to win an Oscar. Let's face it, the chances of that happening (me specifically winning an Oscar) are slim to none, though it's something I fantasize about while exercising on an elliptical. I won't have my head too far removed in the clouds. How many actresses get to walk up to that podium, much less faceless Asian American ones?

My experiences in college with the various Asian American student organizations - namely APC, helped me become more aware of this 'Asian American' identity. I would like to be some sort of Asian American pioneer. That's my dream. I want to be able to make some sort of cultural impact. I look up to people like that.

I was in New York one random summer in 2007. I was with a high school friend and I vaguely mumbled something about how I wanted to be a cultural icon. My friend laughed and basically said, well what are you doing now?

Sigh. What am I doing now? I want to follow my dreams before all hope within me crumbles and before time slips away even more. Yet, I still want other things in my life, which may be more important than my dreams. I want to find my love, and yes this should be done at a younger age because God knows it gets harder. I want to be financially secure! I want to be a professional! I must devise a way to have it all.

This past weekend, I audited a Meisner technique training class. The teacher, Jim Jarrett, talked about how he's been afforded such a great opportunity to do what he loves with his shows and teaching. He mentioned sacrifice and giving up everything for one's dreams. It takes courage, it really does. I hope I will have this courage and will find myself in a place I know I should be once again. Now, off to that goal achieving agenda!

And the Best Acting Award goes to...

...us!

Our ensemble cast took home the prize of Best Acting out of the San Francisco competition in the 48 Go Green competition.

I attended the screening of all sixteen films at the Lumiere Theatre last night. It started about an hour or so late as the man in charge was stuck in traffic on the 101. So, the practically full house proceeded to wait. While waiting, we were treated to an episode of an anime called "Eden of the East," complete with a naked Japanese teenage boy.

I felt nervous at the thought of seeing myself on the screen, with practically a full theater. Our film was third to the last to be screened, so I watched the first twelve films with a feeling of unease in my chest. My heart was beating faster than normal!

While not all the films could be considered absolute masterpieces - I still had to applaud each team for making an effort. To write, shoot, and edit a film in a mere two days certainly is an accomplishment in itself. Certainly there were the confusing films and the ones that probably set out to make absolutely no sense at all - but that's besides the point. I was sitting in a theater of people passionate about making and producing art. Art, just like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, is it not? This was a theater of people who sat waiting for over an hour just to see the five minutes they had labored to produce.

When my face finally flashed on the screen, I was a bit aghast at myself - you know the feeling of a clenched jaw and that warm tingly feeling on your back? But, yes, that's me and that's who I am - and there I was! After all the screenings were over, a stranger told me I had done a good job. Why, thank you! Felicia Hom is glad.

A film made in 48 hours!

Previously in my life, I participated in a 24-Hour Theater festival in Seoul and played a rambunctious but still cute Martian. This time around, I was the leading office lady in a 48-Hour film competition!

So basically, a team of directors, writers, actors and crew are given 48 hours to produce a short film with a given theme and some required elements. This particular competition involved something related to the environment.

The audition that I mentioned last week where I felt like I had no emotion - well, it worked out so I was still in the film this weekend! I got to work with an awesome crew and cast who knew what they were doing.

I won't spoil the elements of surprise yet as it is a competition - and there will be a theater screening this Thursday on February 24 at the Lumiere Theatre in San Francisco. How exciting! I really had a blast filming this and am looking forward to seeing the finished version! After the screening, I'll link to an online version to all who are interested in seeing me go corporate (but environmental at the same time)!

In other acting news, I attended an audition last night and another earlier this morning. I can't whistle, so I don't expect much from one. Also, I will not have to be kissed by any teenage boys. Boohoo! Additionally, I have some interviews to be preparing for and some more job hunting to do! Isn't life exciting?

The City of Angels

Today was the final class of a five-week session I signed up for at A.C.T. During the break, my teacher asked me how I was. I told him about my heartbreak of the past week and also how I was planning to move back to Los Angeles at some point. He, however, is a real advocate of the theater over film - as he believes that theater is a lot more fair to the actors. This is true, of course. Also, he told me that I shouldn't starve, so finding a good financial job would be a good idea. I also think this is true.

So I want to act, yes I do. But do I want to subject my life and career to an industry where 99% of those in the union are unemployed at a given time? Where someone can walk in and get hired just because they are absolutely more gorgeous than I am?

My teacher said I could do both. This was my plan of action, too. I mean, I still want to establish myself in the professional realm of actually being able to earn a living. I once said I wanted power. I'm an intelligent person. Do I have that business personality, though? I suppose it's all about mentality.

I thought about how nice it'd be, just to be a working professional. I'd do my job and hopefully be doing something helpful to the world as well. Then with my life being stable on the work side, I'd be able to find the love of my life, get married, and have kids.

Then as I was crossing the street today, I remembered an acquaintance of mine who is going to be awarded for his dedication the Asian American community. I thought about it - and the truth is that people who do good to the world, community, and society around them always make me weep internally at their awesomeness. I am humbled.

I really respect those who are able to live for a goal which will not just help themselves, but rather will exact change and a positive influence on the lives of others. I love those teachers out there, and my being one briefly showed me just how hard it is to be a teacher. Then we have those nurses and doctors who really care about their patients. The list goes on.

I performed a scene from "Damsels in Distress" in class. I played the role of Julie-Ann, an engaged woman whose fiancee ultimately realizes that he doesn't love her. It's a comedy, by the way.

After class, as I waited to take the bus home. Yes, I can drive, but sometimes public transportation isn't a big hassle. A man stopped to give a homeless man one of his grocery bags; then after checking his pockets to see if he had enough fare for the bus, he then handed some extra money to the man. I really felt like this guy was a better human being than I was.

I want to be able to do it all. I want to be a better person, someone who is more conscious and loving. I want to help others. I want to be an actress. I want to be a high-powered successful business woman, financial professional  - you name it. But, the biggest thing that I still want is love. Am I going to find that in the City of Angels? 

Auditioning in tears

I had two auditions today, as I mentioned in yesterday's post. The first one went...reasonably not well. I felt quite stale in the delivery of my monologue, like I had been zapped out of all my emotions. The improv (where I get angry that my roommate has brought home inorganic wine for our party) which followed also seemed a bit off. Needless to say, I wasn't in top form at all.

I then directly proceeded to my second audition a little bit away. I was asked to play a teenager - the object of contention of two rival teenage boys. There is supposed to be a kissing scene...so...maybe I'll have someone a good eight years my junior kiss me! Who knows (I have been required to kiss someone more than 20 years my senior in a show). I then did my monologue again, but this time I had a break down - probably not because of my acting skills, but from all the pent up emotion of the last twenty-four hours. It was like a catharsis almost.

I then rushed to make it to my scene rehearsal. At A.C.T., there also happened to be the regional auditions for the MFA programs (Yale, Harvard, USC, etc) from around the nation. Needless to say, people who really want to study acting showed up. Maybe I imagined it, but you could tell these people had that artistic, different kind of air. It also reminded me of the difference in level which must be needed to make it into one of those problems. I also began to question again what it is I'm doing with my life - and the fear of the unknown - and the fear of never finding love. There was one actor-couple who seemed perfectly fit for each other in appearance; they even dressed similarly - and they sat together in the corner admiring the sun. I was, on a very small level, a bit jealous of that.

So I've been back home - I completed an entry about dating in Asia as part of my editorial internship and dropped a few more tears (the reason I may disclose to my friends). My mother's been chatting about me with her friends over the phone, all within clear earshot of me. Needless to say she tells them how I'm chasing my dreams but how I'm just foolish and stupid. Well, I can't let that be the word on the street, now can I?

Finally booking something after an audition!

Or at least so I thought. I'm back in one piece from work on a print ad at the Lawrence Hall of Science in Berkeley after a seemingly successful thirty second audition which I had attended on Wednesday. The audition consisted of me smiling at the camera and giggling - so there was really no room to mess up with my 'acting.'

So, this was the most money I've ever made off of one acting/modeling-related gig...for only about 5 and a half hours of work. To put this into perspective, the rate for 8 hours of extra work which I did on Monday was about four times less.  (Yay! Small steps for progress!) And although I was booked as a secondary, which was one pay level above extras and one pay level below the principals, it really made no difference as a bunch of extras were ushered into the front. So, I doubt you will see me in the actual ad as I am a rather short girl standing behind a sea of people. There were probably just under 100 people used for the shot, which was comprised of
professional looking people holding cell phones or other electronic devices (I brought my nephew's eePC along).

I probably was one of the youngest people in the crowd, though I did overhear another guy saying he was 24. Additionally, I bumped into some of the other background talent which I had met on the Alcatraz shoot on Monday. It seems like the San Francisco Bay Area acting scene is quite close knit!

On another positive note, I drove across the Bay Bridge for the first time in my life. I've been across countless times, but never as the driver until. Unfortunately, it seems they recently raised the toll to $6. It was only $4 in January! I always feel a sense of accomplishment once I finally reach home and park in my driveway...and feel thankful that I am still alive. I mean, I did accidentally get into the more ghetto region of SF by accident after overshooting the 101-N split...and got horned at for cutting into a lane...eek!

So in other news, I will be attending two auditions tomorrow and afterwards rehearsing a scene for my class (from Roleplay by Alan Ayckbourn). Exciting stuff! I also meant to do a post about my many failed interviews and auditions, but I'll do that one a bit later. ;}